To my former friends

I've never been so shocked to be reintroduced to high stress levels as I have in the past few weeks leading up to finals.

I am taking 13 credits this semester, a modest number compared to professional students in some of my classes — especially when you take into account that one of those credits were a rock climbing class the finished at the end of October.

Most of my classes aren't that hard either. I have group project finals in three of them and the other is one of those show-up-to-class-and-take-a-final type classes.

For two of those three group projects I am in the same group, and we all study together for the easy class too.

So where's the stress?

The method is actually the madness.

These girls are some of the best friends I've met at Utah State University. They are cute, fun, incredibly intelligent and extremely motivated. Make that overly motivated. Actually, make that extremely, overly and insanely motivated.

Not only do they accept nothing less than an A, but they strive to have the highest grades on every assignment. Like, best-the-professor-has-ever-seen highest grades.

Joining these three for group projects was the smartest move I've ever made. Well, until a couple weeks ago.

You see, all throughout school I've been very bright. When I was younger this was a little bit of a curse because I never had to apply myself to get good grades. As the material became more difficult, my grades suffered because I never learned how to develop a good homework strategy.

It still shows.

I still do a little more than the minimum effort, but not much beyond that. This isn't good enough for the self-proclaimed #prbesties.

But instead of talking to me about their displeasure like friends would normally do, they've shown their inner-cattiness. I slept through my alarm clock one day and when I got to campus I learned I was even kicked out of the group in one class and paired with the kid who has only been to class twice.

Coincidence? Highly unlikely. I mean, if they wanted me in their group they would have spoken for me when I was absent. At the very least they could have spoken up and ensured I wouldn't be paired with #thatguy if they still actually liked me.

Anymore they avoid my presence and conversation. I think the only reason I haven't been freaked out is because they still need that 10-or-however-many points from the peer evaluation.

I guess I should clarify; there's one who still likes me. Or at least I'm pretty sure she does.

Either way, I don't know why I bother with it, because I know I'm not getting more than a third of the total percentage when that time comes.

It's amazing how quickly a friendship can go South. 

Thanksgiving redemption

I don't think it's a secret I've been a in a bit of an emotional slump for the past few weeks. I guess the winter blahs are just settling in to affect me for the coming months.

Tuesday I did not go to a lecture. I didn't want to face the reality I might fail a class (my group project team refuses to meet on a day other than when I have work), but then I received an email from my professor.

Okay, so the group project is only a small part of why my grade is suffering in the class. I haven't done any of the online portion for more than a month.

My professor called me out  on it in the email. He said I would definitely have a B or a C if I had done any work instead if the F I'm looking at now.

By this point my confidence was at an all-time low, but his next words gave me comfort. He promised to waive the late penalty if I promise to use the extended Thanksgiving weekend to finish the entire online portion if the class.

It made me realize someone is looking out for me after all.

And then I realized I've felt terrible lately because I've been stressing out over two or three issues the entire semester.

This was one of them, but as the fear of failing a class left me, I noticed all of the other things had already taken care of themselves.

It was confusing to not have my stomach tie itself in knots for once. I liked the new feeling.

I forgot how I used to feel this way all the time, when I lived care-free only a year ago , knowing everything in life would work itself out or work itself out of my priorities.

Now I remember what I told the Blacksmith family several years ago.

It'll all be fine.

Winter Blahs

I don't know why, but every winter I start to feel terrible.

It's a feeling I can't describe very well. I feel discouraged and my desire to do my favorite things is diminished. Small failures lead to catastrophic spirals that make it so I don't even want to try anymore, even in the areas I normally excel at. My dreams start to reflect my anxiety, and I'll find myself beating nocturnal demons like Ivan Drago tried to do to Rocky Balboa in Christmas day.

My schoolwork suffers, I sleep either too much or too little, and my relationships with friends and family becomes strained as my patience and will to mask my secrets fails me. I avoid those I look up to so I can keep my feelings hidden because I know they'll see right though me and try to help — which is kind, but unwelcome because it would make me face my problems.

When I was younger, I didn't notice any patterns of negative attitude or behavior. Maybe that's because I had ways of coping with it. Kind of.

When I lived in West Jordan, my family's property had several trees in the back yard. They all had to be trimmed and sometimes hewn down. My responsibility was to gather all the wood and cut it into sizes more appropriate to burn in our fireplace each fall and winter.

I cannot count the number of times I smashed and split logs I named in my mind; Teachers who pissed me off, unreasonable schoolmates, friends and even family members. I hacked at the deadwood until the shortened sun went gray and I became too exhausted to lift my ax.

In a sense, I grew strong during the wintertime. In another, I was weaker.

When my family moved away, I started playing basketball and made the school team. I prided myself on playing tough, physical defense, mostly because I lacked — or thought so at the time, anyway — the skill set to be a powerful scoring threat. Offseason training and conditioning during practice gave me the winter exhaustion I left behind when I put down my ax.

As time went on and coaches told me I wasn't good enough to play anymore, I took to running. This was about the time I noticed the pattern.

Any number of things can trigger my nuclear winter. Two or three years it was a girl, twice it was a companion on my mission I didn't get along with, more than a few times it was brought by failures of some kind or another, whether academic or athletic.

The thing is, I don't like feeling so black inside. I hate when my stomach ties itself into a knot of snakes. I don't like wanting to break down and cry in front of my friends and professors. I can't stand smiling through my teeth while my eyes sink into down into my cheeks to hide.

I just want it all to go away.

Okay, for real this time

Okay, so this time I'm really starting a new blog. I know. 

But every once in a while I relearn a valuable lesson: Don't over complicate life.

You see, I've been going about the last semester with so much stress I have made myself physically ill (I am writing this during one of those times, unfortunately).

I had to say goodbye to someone today. Someone who has changed my life and who I believe will change the world. This person is one of, if not the, best person I have ever met, in nearly every way imaginable. 

Am I okay? Not yet. Will I be shortly? Probably. 

Given my track record in resiliency, it won't take much time at all for me to bounce back from such a sad time, but it still hurts to say goodbye. 

Over dramatic? Maybe. I don't care.

I'm about to register for my classes for next semester, and for the first time in far too long I'm planning God back into my life. I'll have a great opportunity to prove my faith and trust in his plan for me, just like it says in Proverbs chapter three verses five and six. 

It's so simple, yet I've been ignoring such a great help available to me for such a long time. I know Christ's atonement will help me through anything, if I only ask for that help. I know if I just turn my heart over to him, he'll take care of all my needs and help turn my wants into his wants.

Will I be able to do it? Yes. Will I actually do it? 

If I don't, then I don't really deserve the blessings he's already given me, and will continue to give. 

And now, due to popular demand...

Now just because I made you laugh this summer doesn't mean you should go and expect it during the school year.

Please people, I have things to do now that school has started, so don't expect me to post every day. My Facebook, Twitter and guitar playing take precedence. Oh, and that whole homework thing.

But yeah, I started another blog.

I hope you enjoy The Afton Project as much as you did (or did not, looking at you, Midvale YSA ward...) like Where the Sagebrush Died, and hopefully I can figure out some other ways to keep things interesting during my last semesters at Utah State.